My favorite bacon recipe

This is a complicated process, but well worth it.

1. Go to the Burgundy Room on Cuhuenga, drink three pints of Guinness. Listen to Maria (The Duchess of Cheer) spin oldschool punk and r&b.

2. Stumble across the street to The Room, enter through back alley and order two more pints of Guinness. Say hi to Steve and ask him when his band is playing. Tell him you'll see him there, then forget when they're playing.

3. Lurch over to Beauty Bar, order a vodka tonic (as they don't have Guinness). Hit on Tara Reid (again). Get shot down (again). Smoke half a pack of camels.

4. Somehow wind up at Bar Sinister, via Star Shoes. Pay an extra ten bucks at the door because you're wearing jeans and not gothgear. Order a Heineken (no Guinness here either) and a vodka cranberry for your new friend dancing on the box wearing nothing but fishnets and electrical tape. Make the mistake of going upstairs to watch a 300 lb. woman being flogged by an even more porcine sweaty man in leather. Some things you cannot unsee. Flee. Sheepishly sneak back upstairs to retrieve drink.

5. Play pinball in the alley on your way out, you being the ball and varius spooky kids as the flippers. Say you're sorry, even if you're not.

6. Buy a hotdog wrapped in bacon as you wait for your cab to take you home.

Serves one.