What?

When I first thought about having an online journal, I was totally against it. I still have reservations, for the most part. I was asked why by a person on my friends list. My answer to her is the same reason I'm writing this. Once I start to write I usually don't stop. Of the posts I have made so far, you only see a little of what I've written. I've written and deleted more than I care to share. I've redone THIS post a half-dozen times already. So yeah, I write too much and share too much and love too much and hate too much... I have to have an outlet though.

I HAD an outlet, writing a novel, but lost my harddrive in an excrutiatingly painfull way. The odor of burnt plastic and aluminum shielding will forever haunt me. It's my own fault for not backing up regularly. I'm inherently lazy, but I'm working on it. I've decided on not starting over on the book for awhile. A lot of what I had been writing isn't really valid in my life now, and to try and recreate the feelings I was putting to the page would probably do more harm than good. The ends don't always justify the means. Plus, I'm in a good place right now, being able to laugh and really feel instead of the bitterness and caustic cynicism that were the driving forces behind what I was writing. The best phrase I can think of to describe where I was coming from is "You want some water for your dehydrated ego. Well drink slow because I'm feeling shallow".

As of now, I can sum up where I'm at with "It just is, and it doesn't need to be anything else. Everything falls into place while it's falling apart". Even chaos has structure when percieved from the right angle. Whoever said 'the only constant is change' deserves a gold star. Or a kick in the head. Pithy smartass. I'm not even going to try to explain what this post means, or why it's up here. It just is.

Open the floodgates *just* a crack.

When those around me reflect on their lives or current situations I find myself wanting to give some sort of encouragement. Either that, or I then pin myself down reflecting on my own failings or disappointments. Holidays are the worst. Normally I can ignore my own problems, being a procrastinator and all, but when you're "supposed" to be happy and cheerfull on a holiday it brings up a lot of issues in people. Which brings out a lot of issues in me. I've noticed that birthdays are the worst. My ex's birthday shouldn't be taken as the catalyst for this post, by the way. I've been thinking on it since my friend Jarrod's 30th a couple weeks ago. Which got me thinking about Kristina's 34th. Jarrod and his worrying about the future, and Kristina's worrying about her lost time.

I don't really like to talk about myself. I know, I know... I seem to talk a lot about myself, telling little stories or my opinions. The thing is, I am usually trying to get whomever I'm conversing with to open up and share themselves with me. Lead by example, you know? The thing is, most people don't want to open up unless they have some angst or I pry it out of them. Everybody gets so dismissive when confronted about being in a bad mood, when talking things through has time and again proven itself as a great help instead of bottling things up. Goes with my belief that feeling bad sometimes feels good. Hence, we have goths. Every goth I know has a soft spot for Eeyore. So I like to talk with those I love, instead of letting them get away with "Nothing's wrong" or "It's too hard to explain" when I notice they're feeling down or blue. I try and share my experiences with them to ease their pain. Sometimes I help, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I come SO CLOSE to helping, then when I reach the limits of my articulation or abilty to stay focused, I fumble and unwind the safety net I had just built into so much tangled yarn. THAT's when I start dwelling on myself and withdrawing as well. So yeah, this morning I was a bit down. I'm okay now though, thanks for asking.

Birthday's are the worst I think. It's the whole aging, where have I been, where am I going, who has been\is\will be in my life and why aren't\are they in my life questions conveniently wrapped up and covered in candles. When you hear from old loves and family the ONE DAY this year, it makes you think about how close your ties are. Or, as it has been with me, NOT hearing from someone like a parent somehow puts the blame on yourself. How come I'm not loved as much as I deserve to be? How come I'm not as successfull as I obviously should be? Where's my fucking nice house, fast car, and beautiful wife? Well, since I am a realist I'm pretty content with my modest yet messy house, practical yet quick car, and a very good friend that's very fun to look at. I'm not bitter, or have many regrets if any. Then again, it wasn't MY birthday. I'll probably have some VERY different things to say on January 12th.

So anyway, I just wanted to write that I think people are interesting. And I like to think I am too.

I'm out of coffee

I just used my last batch of coffee. I didn't even have enough for a whole pot. Actually I did, but I like it strong so I went with half a pot with what I had. I refuse to buy Starbuck's, not because it's too expensive but rather because I think I'm the only person I know who doesn't have one on their block. I'd actually have to drive 4 miles (yes - I know exactly how far the closest one is) to get there. I could drive down the street to Ralph's but I'd feel guilty crossing the picket lines. I'll wait to do that when I'm out of cat food and beer. Did you know cat food stays crunchy in Heineken?

So I'm now out of coffee and while Trader Joe's is half a block away from me, I'm just going to sit here and take it. Trader Joe's coffee isn't that good (not that Starbuck's is great or anything) and just not a big enough motivation for me to leave the dark cave that is my house. I have the shades down, the computer on, and I'm sitting in my leather massage chair with no coffee. At least my butt is happy.

Wait a minute...

Nevermind, I have some whole beans in the freezer.

Fuck, now I'm out of cigarettes.

Ugh

Just saw Kill Bill Vol. 1 with my brother. I liked it, but I'm glad I saw a SAG screening instead of paying to see it when it first came out. Not because the movie was bad, more because I'm a cheap bastard if there isn't a woman involved. Then I'm just a bastard.

Anyway, movie kicked appropriate amounts of ass in the appropriate places, threw in a cute cartoon for the kids, and made me want to see Vol II when it comes out in February. I was going to hold off watching either until the DVD came out as one long single film, but that plan has been shot to hell thanks to my brother calling me at 7 telling me the movie started at 7:30 and to get my butt down to the theatre.

We went out for a bite after the show, which is why I'm posting tonight.

I'm full. Beyond full, I'm stuffed. We went to Tokyo Delve's Sushi on Lankershim and *mumble mumble* across the street from the venue. TD's is one of those "Hey there! We're going to sing and dance while you eat! Everybody drink!" kind of restaurants. Great for birthdays, bachelor\bachelorette parties, amuse the clients from out of town with company credit to spend kind of joints. I hate them, but I saw sushi flashing in neon not 50 feet from me when I stepped out from seeing a bunch of blood spraying onscreen so we jaywalked in. I almost walked out when all the sushi chefs screamed HEEEEEEEY when I opened the door. I hadn't eaten since this morning so braved the bells, whistles, and thumping bass of the cheesy frat disco that was playing over the stadium certified PA.

I quickly ordered a large Asahi but was rebuked on that request with a "only sapporo", so I ordered two of those. I then shot out my order while waving away the menu.

"Give me tuna, salmon, tamago, and a rainbow roll, oh and miso soup. I think my brother may want something but I don't care because you haven't brought me my beer and now he must suffer".

I finish my first beer as the miso soup comes. My brother got a salad. For a big guy he's kind of a pussy. I finish my soup, tuna, salmon, tamago, and second beer in about 30 seconds. I'm now not hating my brother for ordering chicken at sushi restaurant, but just barely. I'm about full, quite pleased with howlarge they cut their fish here. If it wasn't for the Chuck E. Cheese atmosphere I'd consider coming back.

I get my rainbow roll handed to me as I'm finishing my third large sapporo. Oh...My...God. The plate is overflowing with fish and rice. Every piece of sushi on the plate is donut sized. It's like they made regular sushi and decided to wrap two or three more around each one. It was like looking at a loaf of bread some 1st grader took his fingerpaints to. It was gorgeous. I change my mind about the ritalin kids jumping with joy everytime the door opens or a drink is served and decide this place isn't that bad.

I ate the whole plate.

I can barely walk.

I think I fell into a serious food coma because I awoke just a minute ago in front of my computer.

Ugh, I'm full.

Absinthe and little kids

Absinthe and little kids

I've decided the only way to enjoy amusement parks to the fullest is to drink a LOT of absinthe early on.

LegoLand SUCKED. That is, it did until I drank a couple glasses and loosened up a bit.
It's been a lifelong dream for my friend Chris to go, so since he was in town for the weekend we went.

Half the rides\attractions were shut down, there were less than a thousand people in the whole park, and what was open was geared towards the sub-7 age group. No wonder that place is bleeding money like a clumsy hemophiliac.

The night before the park was entertaining though. Nothing like having your ride to the bar hand you her keys because she has to leave with a "client", while not knowing where the hell she lives or even her last name. I didn't think she was serious when she said she was an escort. I ended up leaving her car at my hotel after spending the evening with three crazy friends of hers and Chris. Spent most of the time after the bar relaxing in their hottub. Did I mention that two were daughters of the third? And that one was naked in the middle of their apartment complex? And that she invited more complete strangers upstairs? Chris and I left their place not exactly sure if everything we had just witnessed really happened. I felt dirty and I didn't even do anything.

Drove back to LA on Halloween. That took four hours thanks to EVERY GODDAMN PERSON NOT KNOWING HOW TO DRIVE IN THE RAIN! I mean SERIOUSLY, what the fuck is wrong with you people? It's not because I'm from Seattle that I know how to drive when the roads are wet. It can't be. I know people from Arizona and they can do it. It's not that hard. Fucking morons. Don't get me started on californians attempting to drive in the snow. I'd most likely start stomping around my house twirling my fist in the air.

My friend Reiko's band Dig Jelly played Universal Citywalk's Hard Rock Cafe' Halloween night. That was cool. I haven't seen her for awhile. The blue hair suits her, at least a lot better than the blonde she had going for awhile. Her sister, whom I used to date, didn't make it out. I'm not sure if I was relieved about that or not. She's cute and all, but she's crazy. Ha! I kid. Maybe.

The rest of the weekend was spent trying to relieve some neck pain I picked up somewhere on the trip. Could be the jumping around on stage during karaoke (my first and last time) or spending so much time in the car. Who knows. I just know it hurt like a bitch and it finally went away after my ex gave me a rubdown with some liquid heat stuff. Bless her heart for not trying to snap my neck when she had the opportunity.

Today I lounged about the house and finished the bottle of absinthe. Oh, and I recorded something for my buddy's installment at some fetish museum here in LA. When you walk in and hear "I love you" in one hundred different voices, one of them is me.

Except that I really mean it.